I think this is the first time I can confidently say I’m ready to go to the beach. Im so proud that you can start to see my abs, not my ribs. Happy camper :) And I’m obsessed with my suit!
ϟ It’s time to make some changes.
First of all, I need to get back to this blog regularly. Secondly, now that I’ve realized what I want I have to make it happen. I used to focus on losing weight and I started doing that by eating well and exercising. Then I stopped both and the weight fell off. I got down to 60kg, was barely eating and would throw up when I did, and I was thin. But I looked awful. No curves, no color, crappy skin, crappy hair, anti social, depressing to be around, and just all round miserable. Getting thin did not make me happy like I thought it would. It made me forget everything around me. Instead of focusing on a happy and healthy lifestyle, my friends and family, I’d focus on not eating, on talking myself out of food. Eventually I started eating again and now I’ve gained back almost all the weight I lost. I am unhappy with my body. But not because I feel fat (which I do, but let me explain) but because I feel useless and weak. I lost all my muscle and now I struggle to lift lightly packed grocery bags. Even a bottle of milk is heavy to me. I’m terribly unfit, which I hate, I used to be a runner and a swimmer purely because they made me happy, they were my escape from the world. Now I am as useless as tits on a bull. I couldn’t protect myself or my girlfriend if I needed to, if I was attacked I wouldn’t be strong enough to fight my way out, and I’d be too unfit to run away. This terrifies me and I need to fix it. I want to be fit and healthy and strong. I want to be fierce, I want to be explosive, and I want to kick ass. We’re headed into winter and I want to lay around in knee-high socks and lacy underwear, with toned legs and butt for my girlfriend to perve on. I’m accepting that I will always have hips, I will always have love handles and I will always have thighs that touch. I just need to go and work my body to make the most of what I have rather than strive for something unattainable. I want to be a positive role model for my girlfriend who struggled with an eating disorder which landed her in hospital. I want to teach her that being healthy doesn’t involve starving yourself and too much exercise. I want to teach her what I know about nutrition and balance and a healthy lifestyle. I had all of that, then I lost it. I don’t just want to get it back. I want to start over, create it all over again and do it better. I don’t want to worry about my weight, I’m going to do all this by feel. I don’t care what the scales say, as long as I feel good, and right now I feel horrendous. I feel lethargic and sedentary and boring. I want to be active, and involved and healthy. Starting now, my lifestyle must change. I need to make choices that are right for me and my body, I need to treat myself like I’m worth something. I sure as hell hope somebody is with me on this.
(via runningtothefinish)
